Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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