I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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