what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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