but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
