Are we in a gay sports bar?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
