someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
