well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize