My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
