I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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