She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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