Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We smell like vodka and hangover
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