found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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