She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
