I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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