my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
