i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
