idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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