i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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