I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
