I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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