When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
