dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
