its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
