My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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