Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
