The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
