sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He? As in you personified your dick?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
True college students do jello shots in the library
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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