Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
