Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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