I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
