I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
