Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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