Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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