just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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