Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
