I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
