Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
