I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
