so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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