I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
