honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
