I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
two words: eviction party
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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