Tell her she can't have a vagina
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
