this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
