The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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