woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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