I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
