i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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