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Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Drake has all the answers
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
