I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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