You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
