There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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