My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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