So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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