My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
