I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
