Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
