very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
