this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He shit in the fireplace
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
